You may be feeling that you are behaving erratically and feel the urge to contact your ex. Despite them clearly stating “it’s over”, you still relentlessly call, text and email. Has your former partner started calling you a “psycho” and depicting you as the devil incarnate? Do your emotions feel out of control but you physically can’t help it? Sobbing uncontrollably and making dramatic appearances at your former lovers home in a desperate attempt for reconciliation sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Pining and longing for your former lover provokes such intense feelings of hurt and anxiety because on a primal level you are responding from your subconscious survival mode. Back during caveman days if you were cast out from the tribe you would be vulnerable to predators and this is where the term “safety in numbers” really comes into play. Although you can cognitively recognise that your relationship has come to an end and you can logically accept this notion to some degree, your primeval brain processes it with the hardwired neural pathways from centuries ago.
Heartbreak can temporarily change your physical and emotional behaviours and personality as you go through a period of grieving the loss of your relationship and all that comes with it; intimacy, protection (on a subconscious level), daily routine and rituals such as contact in person, call or text. You also grieve the future you had mapped out in your mind with your partner. All those exciting plans all of a sudden cease and with it comes the sense of hopeless and loss of control. Loss of control over the breakup and ultimately, loss of control of yourself. Your equilibrium is really off-kilter.
If your relationship was toxic or abusive these feelings will likely be intensified even more so as you lose all sense of self. There is also a chemical reaction happening inside your brain during a breakup as your normal state is altered and your body is pumped with the stress hormone cortisol. Studies have shown that after a breakup (particularly after an abusive relationship), your brain has the same chemical reaction that a heroin addict has going cold turkey and withdrawing from drugs. Interestingly Neuroscientists have found that a brain scan shows the same parts of the brain are activated in someone suffering a breakup to that of a drug addict craving a fix. During a breakup our emotional injuries can actually force the brain to reshape and regrow neurons, changing the physiology of our brains as the neurons form new pathways. Luckily this casts light on why we can seemingly have a personality transplant overnight.
It is important now more than ever to be kind and understanding to yourself. You may feel shame and guilt for feeling that you can’t just ‘snap out’ of feeling sad, but just like the cells in bone take time to form and regenerate, so too does recovery from heartache.
Exercise is a fantastic way to increase your levels of serotonin, the feel-good hormone. Changing your environment can also help as you remove some of the usual triggers associated with your pain. You can merely change your furniture around, redecorate parts of your home and add new items. Alternatively if you are able to physically change your immediate environment by going away on holiday - think Eat Pray & Love, this will all help towards reducing triggers as you allow your body and mind to heal and recover. Expressing your feelings to friends and family allows you an outlet or journalling is a great way for you to track your mood. This provides a good way to measure your progress as you look back and reflect on where you were.
Remember that at times you may feel alone, anxious and uncertain but this will pass and you are certainly not alone. Heartache is a natural and normal consequence of falling in love and takes time to heal like any other trauma affecting our mind and body.