Diary excerpt from my journal referencing relentless emotional abuse from my boyfriend after getting a ‘bad haircut’ - 2007, aged 20.
The term ‘gaslighting’ originated from the 1940 play ‘Gaslight’, which shows a husband manipulate his wife to the point where she questions her reality. The play was later adapted into a film in 1944 and it is this that many people reference when describing this type of abuse.
I personally did not know of the word ‘gaslight’ until my Counsellor recommended the book, ‘Psychopath Free’, by Jackson McKenzie. Here, I was astounded that my experiences were actually quite common, indeed so common that there has been much research and literature dedicated to trying to understand this type of psychological abuse. The reasons for gaslighting can vary; from an abuser wanting to gain power and control, abusing as a form of entertainment or to deflect and hide their own immoral behaviours. Gaslighting is most commonly performed by a person with a personality disorder (more on this in another blog post!) and is premeditated and deliberate.
Gaslighting starts off subtlety so you don’t even realise that you are being chipped away at, your identity and sense of reality erodes away slowly but surely until you have become fully blown brainwashed into doubting your own intuition and instead, opting to believe what you are being fed by your abuser. For me, I could not comprehend the alternative; the thought that my boyfriend could be so cruel to deceive me and deliberately set out to hurt me, so it felt safer to place my trust in him - though deep down I knew something was awry and it was a constant source of worry and anxiety for me throughout our 8.5 year relationship.
Below are 10 warning signs that you are being gaslighted. I have included some of my own insights from my experiences.
1. They are compulsive liars.
They lie to cover up their tracks of misbehaviour and have no qualms lying for the pure hell of it. There is an element that they get off on witnessing your confusion. The lies are said with a force of confidence, you may doubt the truth but ultimately they put on such a good performance they make you believe that there is no reason why you wouldn’t believe them. They leave you constantly second guessing.
2. They wear you down over time.
If they abused you like they do when they’re in full swing at the very beginning of your relationship, you would walk away. The abuse happens slowly and deliberately over a period of time so you don’t even notice it and when you do, it is too late; you are already emotionally invested. Perpetrators of abuse all tend to follow a similar pattern because it is effective. At some point, they ramp it up. By then, it has become normality for you and you can’t recall it ever being any different. My boyfriend love bombed me in the early days but this then turned to subtle put downs - said in a way so that I believed he was justified to highlight my flaws. He compared me to past girlfriends, citing that I was inferior; “thick”, “unattractive”, “weird” etc. Once the emotional and psychological abuse was wearing me down, I had little confidence and very low self-esteem which prevented me from leaving the relationship, fearing that no one else could possibly love me. The physical abuse came after, which further humiliated me and solidified my view that I was no good. Slowly and unwillingly, I had become embroiled in a game of manipulation and psychological torture.
3. They accuse you of doing what they are.
We’ve all secretly indulged in a bit of Jezza Kyle haven’t we? Where the person accusing their partner of cheating becomes exposed for their own infidelities. This is a common tactic for the abuser to hide and deflect away from their own behaviour and instead, play the role of victim - mercilessly blaming and accusing you for committing the very act they are engaging in. My sense of reality was already warped when these accusations were made though ironically, my boyfriend had deliberately prevented me from making friends and he ostracised me from my family so it wasn’t even possible that I was being unfaithful. My boyfriend’s behaviour was so obvious it became ridiculously pantomime and unbelievable; blatantly inviting our shared co-worker (whom he was sleeping with) into our home whilst I was there, being unfaithful on holiday and returning to our cabin in the early hours of the morning and acting incredulous when I queried where he had been all that time. A year after I ended the relationship, he accused me of being unfaithful to him when I started to venture into the world of dating. This culminated in sabotaged relationships and a stalking and harassment campaign against me. Guess what my former boyfriend had been doing all the while? He had already started dating immediately after I ended the relationship yet continued to try and pursue me. Exhibiting the same narcissistic behaviours to his new girlfriend victim. Being accused of doing something you’re not? It is likely your partner is doing the exact thing they are berating and accusing you of.
4. They throw in positive reinforcement for good measure.
During the gaslighting period they throw in the odd scrap of positive reinforcement to confuse you and make you doubt yourself. Don’t be fooled. This is merely a tactic and may be implemented to restore some balance or lull you into a false sense of security, making you believe that everything is okay. Or you could be going through the ‘honeymoon phase’ of the abuse cycle which is the calm before the storm. Usually this applies just after an explosive incident so they express their regret, say that they are sorry, that they love you and they will “change”. You cling to these words and short lived actions and truly want to believe that things will be different. But they never are. And nor are their apology or good intentions towards you sincere.
5. They call you “crazy” and make you believe it.
Perhaps the worst untruth you believe is their accusations of you being insane. You dare to question their behaviour and you are called “unreasonable”, a “bunny boiler” and “unhinged”. Their directness and confidence with calling you out on this is so strong that you can’t help but doubt yourself and wonder whether you are just being paranoid, that perhaps you are the problem for having a warped perception of them. They will lie incessantly, even to the point where you may have unearthed some physical evidence to attain the truth but they will still lie, deny and deflect. You constantly doubt yourself, struggle to make decisions and disregard your intuition, even though it is screaming out at you that something is really wrong. If your gut instinct is sounding an alarm, it isn’t often wrong. It is your inner compass, a guide to protect you and keep you safe. Listen to it. Beyond the abuse, you realise that you struggle to form an opinion. You don’t trust yourself. How could you let that happen to you? How could you be convinced to believe so many lies? Particularly when they were so glaringly obvious?
6. “Everyone else is bad”.
Yup, another technique to deflect their behaviour and keep you entrapped is to make you believe that everyone else is bad or out to get you. But not them, they speak the truth and at times you may not like it but they are “real” and they aren’t trying to manipulate you like the media or people close to you. Sound familiar? A prime example was when my boyfriend convinced me that other people had been brainwashed into believing that humans are monogamous, yet this goes against the very nature of man; “wanting to sow his seed with as many women as possible”. It was constructed by the church, to try and control the masses, I was told. This then justified him seeing multiple people and normalised the situation. He also used this technique to prevent me from moving on and dating, citing that “all men are the same” and imparting a ‘better the devil you know’ attitude onto me. I learned quickly after this relationship that it is not the case, there are some truly lovely people out there.
7. Their actions aren’t congruent with what they say.
They tell you that they love you yet they’re beating you into fifty shades of grey? Often they will tell you what they think you want to hear, but they don’t really mean it, it’s all part of the game. It causes confusion and further doubt. You want to believe what they are saying, but their behaviour just isn’t stacking up.
8. They bull themselves up whilst putting you down.
They pride themselves on their intellect, good looks and achievements, all whilst putting you down. They convince you what a good prospect they are and express often “how lucky” you are to be with them, they could date anyone. In my case my boyfriend was an aspiring lawyer, charismatic, a leader, an innovative thinker, slightly older and experienced, creative wannabe rockstar. And here he was dating me; “thick, uneducated, ugly, weird and talentless”. Go figure.
9. They are blameless.
If their behaviours offend you they will tell you that you triggered them and if it wasn’t you, it was caused by their depression or neglectful upbringing. They will very rarely take accountability for any wrongdoing, instead, they will direct the blame towards you or society. They become a victim in their own sordid game and make you complicit. Again, the doubt sets in - “have I pushed him into the arms of another woman?”, “he is just depressed, he isn’t himself”. By accepting his excuses you are condoning his behaviour. You start to believe that they have been dealt a bad hand and give them the benefit of the doubt. Though they don’t change and they continue to project blame elsewhere.
10. Minimising and normalising incidents.
Your abuser will minimise events and make you feel that they are normal by trivialising how you think and feel. They will make you question your own perception for what is going on because they want to keep you trapped, you are now an easy target for them to manipulate for their own agenda. For example, when I parted ways with my boyfriend and addressed the abuse he expressed anger that I had referred to it as such, stating that I had over exaggerated and was being dramatic and viewing our relationship disproportionately.
How to recover from being gaslighted.
You now have a warped sense of reality, you don’t know what is lies and what is truth, what is normal and healthy vs. having a distorted perception.
But fear not, although you have found yourself in this dreadful situation, you needn’t remain a victim of this crime. You can choose to rise again and reclaim your identity back.
If you are struggling to make sense of what has happened or suffering with depression and anxiety as a result you may wish to seek support from a qualified therapist. They can help you to gain insights and understanding from your experiences and to identify healthy boundaries in future relationships for when you are ready to start dating again.
Consider why you may have been drawn to somebody with abusive tendencies. Of course we don’t deliberately choose to partner up with someone who will hurt us and it certainly isn’t obvious that they are abusive when you start courting but subconsciously, it is likely that there is a reason for the initial attraction. This is why so many people fall into the pattern of cycling through abusive partners, myself included. Do you have low self esteem? Have you suffered from some kind of trauma in childhood? Do you have little self-worth? Have you been exposed to addictive personalities such as drug users or alcoholics? Empaths tend to gravitate to those in need and are easy prey for people with personality disorders. You kindness becomes their energy source.
Decide whether to report the abuse. The legal system can be drawn out but you may find closure in making your abuser accountable for their behaviours and it could prevent them from finding a new victim. It is important to note that once you have left your abuser, the emotional abuse does not necessarily cease with it. I continued to be stalked and harassed for over three years afterwards which impacted on new relationships and I did not realise at the time but the psychological nature of his messages continued to erode away at my sense of judgement and perception. Ensure that you cease all contact with your abuser and block any communication from reaching you. At this point they will be expressing how much they have changed, that they miss you and accuse you of throwing the relationship away. It is just another test, a final ploy to lead you back; but one that you will ultimately be victorious in and win.
Remember the warning signs and listen to your intuition.