Three years ago I appeared happy and optimistic to the outside world but beneath the surface of this facade I was miserable. No one suspected that I was in an abusive relationship. My boyfriend was pleasant and kind in public, if not charming. He had a way with people. The epitome of charismatic. It was what initially drew me to him. But with time and as subtlety as a dripping tap may erode and wear down a stone, he warped my view of myself; constantly picking fault with me.  

He regularly told me that I was ugly and ageing badly yet other times called me pretty and asked me to wear a short dress when going out to meet with his friends. Kind of like a trophy girlfriend, but he had little regard for me. Although I have never cared for vanity, the put downs affected my self esteem and prevented me from really going at life. This is how our mindset is formed, as we subconsciously store these stories, and we can often lose a bit of ourselves. I certainly did. I lost all sense of my identity. I no longer knew what I liked, what I wanted or indeed what I needed. 

I endured 8.5 years in this relationship before I mustered the courage to end it. During this time I had tolerated multiple infidelities, brain washing, physical violence, sexual coercion and psychological manipulation. At the age of 28, and almost 10 years of knowing my partner, I eventually made a bold move. I left him, following the discovery that he had slept with a much younger girl. Finally, I acknowledged that his behaviours and values were not conducive to my own and I could no longer turn a blind eye to his deceitful ways. Perhaps this came with maturity or I reached a point where I realised that I would be so much happier on my own. Up until this point, each day had brought about its own drama and I would frequently be in tears of pure frustration. I was at rock bottom, my confidence was through the floor and I had no support network. I was left feeling shy and awkward in social situations, as I was encouraged not to form bonds with others, so opted to quietly merge into the background. And this started to manifest itself physically in my slumped posture as I walked stooped, head down - which of course also got criticised.

A year after I ceased the relationship I was still being stalked and harassed by him which prevented me from dating and fully moving on. Up until this point I had still kept the abuse private from my family and the few friends that I had, as I was trying to protect him from the fallout. When my family discovered the severity of what I was going through, my father called me each morning just to check that I was still alive, convinced that I would fall victim to homicide. They felt helpless and didn’t know what to do. A call to the police resulted in them alluding to there not yet having been a crime committed, so it essentially became a waiting game. I took up running in the local park just to get out and clear my mind. It was my escape. But my former boyfriend was still impacting on me and causing a rift between people I was attempting to get to know. It was then that I decided I needed to physically remove myself from the situation. So, I quit my job of seven years and relocated to Essex, moving back home to live with my parents. During this transition period I was unemployed, doing the odd temp role. I had literally left my life as I knew it behind and started from scratch. 

I started dating which was a learning curve in itself! By the age of 28 I had only had one relationship. I wasn't familiar with healthy boundaries. My third and last relationship taught me that I was still gauging my experiences from being with my first boyfriend. Which meant that although I was happier, I still wasn't being treated with respect and consideration but this was not obvious to me at the time because my judgement was so clouded. After parting ways, my behaviour became irrational and I did not recognise the person I was becoming. Up until recently my boyfriend had been declaring his love for me and trying to convince me to marry him, after just a whirlwind six months together. The breakup hit me hard and I struggled to understand how he could have such a change of heart. He kept me dangling, continuing to meet with me and remain intimate, yet without any commitment. I was at his mercy. I became very unwell and berated myself for being so trusting and allowing myself to become vulnerable again, particularly after my experiences with my first boyfriend. As a consequence of this, I suffered from a mental breakdown which left me feeling suicidal. My behaviour was erratic and I worried that I had not built up the levels of resilience I thought I had. Why was I still entering into toxic relationships with men who held so much power and control over me? I chose not to medicate, because for me I knew my depression was attributed to my situation and it was circumstantial. I sought the answers to these questions through counselling which helped me enormously. Gradually, I went through a process of recovery and discovered that I unknowingly attracted and was drawn to men who had depressive tendencies amongst other issues. It became apparent that the inner rescuer was innate in me, and that I had been entering into these relationships completely unaware of the deep rooted foundations I had been storing since childhood. I went through a process of self discovery, to reclaim my identity back and to rewrite my life script so I would no longer fall foul of this. 

Fast forward to today, and I am so incredibly happy. I have truly found peace. There have been a couple of stumbling blocks along the way as you might expect but my resilience is tenfold and I am proud that my experience has never embittered me. I found my life purpose and have the job of my dreams; empowering others to make positive changes to their lives so that they get ever closer to finding happiness and reaching their full potential.  

Within a six month period I purchased my own home without any help, became debt free and have savings in the bank. In this same short space of time I also launched this coaching business; Dana Camm Coaching (no rewards for creativity here!) I feel so privileged that I can share my experiences and draw positives from it, to help others who have or who are going through toxic and domestically abusive relationships. I predominantly work with women and focus on helping them reclaim their identity and to find confidence, independence, inner peace and happiness. But I don’t want to stop there. I am hellbent and on a mission to ensure that we empower ourselves to lead a bloody fantastic life! To go beyond recovery and really thrive so that we move away from living a life of mediocrity.

I was inspired to set up Dana Camm Coaching when reflecting on how much change I had initiated within a very short space of time and how I have completely transformed my life. I realised that I could effectively share my story with others and give them hope, as I am living proof for how you can turn your life around exponentially. My personal journey started three years ago but much of the changes have been rapid and I have achieved so much within the space of just six months, as I really upped my awareness of personal development and pushed boundaries. 

I really want to share my experiences and impart the actions that I took to achieve all of this. To encourage others to step away from living a mediocre life of just going through the motions on autopilot.

Since embarking on this journey of self discovery my outlook remains positive and upbeat and this is the secret formula to transforming one’s life. You must always have hope. Follow your intuition, it is your inner guide and it is there to protect you and do right by you. It isn’t often wrong. Listen to it and act on its wisdom. We already hold all of the answers from within, sometimes we just need a little help drawing it out.

Click here to join my Facebook group; 'Stop Dreaming & Start Living It'. It is a closed group for women only so that you have a safe space to heal, grow and thrive >>>

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I commend you for taking the first step, I know it isn’t easy. 

Much respect, 

Dana xx